People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.