I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?