hmm conte-me mais
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Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Oceanography is all about current events
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
why am I working on Labor Day
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats