Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
#MeanwhileInCanada
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?