My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
#titanic
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew