Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”