[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
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nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
How times have changed.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them