@malt_skull

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

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@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

@MomofTeen

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

@GrantTanaka

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

@

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

@shanethevein

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.