[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Mmmm canned fish.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Just a bush.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂