Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
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[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.