having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.