Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
plums roundup
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day