I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
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*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house