@subtweetopath

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

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@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

@Shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

@Cornjerker78

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

@Tbone7219

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

@pleatedjeans

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

@Marcmywords2

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

@wendchymes

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no