“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”