You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.