don’t be scared
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.