Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny