I’m Sold!
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Never forget.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan