me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
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Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”