Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.