We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
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How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back