How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.