“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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anyone else like Italian cereal
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”