If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 馃槈
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Never forget when I saw CHILD鈥橲 PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
welcome back
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Asked my friend how he鈥檚 been and he replied saying he wasn鈥檛 doing so great and tbh he鈥檚 in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he鈥檚 gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn鈥檛 take too long to drive through.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I鈥檓 fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I鈥檓 fine. Eat your giant avocado.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.