I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
back to work
no cat here
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos