I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
When you let grandma cat sit
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
This is I, Robot all over again
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.