I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.