Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Good boy 😂😂
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.