Yep, it’s trueππΌπππ
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me, 20βs & 30βs: I canβt remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40βs: I canβt remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Welcome to your 40s: youβre not exhausted thatβs just your face now.
Just looked up my sonβs search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girlβs Virginias.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
Itβs titled βRock Papered by Scissorsβ
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because iβm a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone elseβs faces
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until youβre leaving instructions for a sitter and youβre like, βdo not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.β
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. βFourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!β
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I donβt get too scared?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOUβRE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.