ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
You Might Also Like
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.