me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
figuring out my emotional availability:
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.