Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop


Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]


You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts


It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.


Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”


GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings


When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.


[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]


Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.