Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
6. me as a lawyer
hi why am I like this
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Sign of the day..
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.