Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?