Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*