Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
what the
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]