Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other