Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
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Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Still laughing at this stupid meme
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.