[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there