Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
how to exercise your calf muscles
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*