Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You Might Also Like
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”