“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.