“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often