doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal