doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
the council will decide your fate
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.