Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?