Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
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{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did