Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Sing it!
![]()
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?