Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen