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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Aaaa…CHOO!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
A game married people play.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm