why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
You Might Also Like
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree