insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*