My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Now, where’s the sport in that?