Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
#catsoftwitter
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.